The week leading up to Anne's birth was excruciating. I had recurring lower back pain that made the hour long drive to and from work complete agony, and I had to borrow a heating pad to put in my chair because every few minutes the pain would get so intense I would have to stand up to get it to go away. I woke up several times at night and had to walk off the pain in my back and hips. I was miserable and even though I was not quite 37 weeks along, I was ready for Anne to arrive. I kept telling myself it was just my body's way of preparing me for the grueling work of labor. Looking back, I can't help but wonder if I was actually experiencing early labor pains, but I have no way of knowing for sure. It certainly wasn't what I thought a contraction would feel like, and I was still three weeks away from my due date, so I assumed that it wasn't, but I guess it could have been. The morning my water broke was the first morning in a week or two with no pain. I should have known something was up when I got in my car that morning and didn't feel like crying from discomfort the whole way to work. But I had just seen one of my midwives for a checkup 2 days before and she assured me I was nowhere near ready to go into labor, so I didn't think anything of it.
Pregnant women often pee on themselves (go ahead, laugh, but it's true; you try having bladder control with a baby kicking you there), so when my water broke the first little trickle didn't clue me in. I just grimaced, got up and went to the bathroom, and then came back to my chair. And then it happened again. Little bells went off in my head. It couldn't be pee, I just went to the bathroom! But that would mean...oh my gosh, my water just broke!! I almost felt dizzy I was so elated as I ran back to the bathroom. The world was spinning. I wasn't due for three more weeks! Kristian's mother had gotten on a plane for Philadelphia that morning! I almost couldn't believe it was happening. I was also mortified to discover that when your water breaks, it happens more than once (with each contraction). Thankfully one of my bosses lives nearby and brought me some towels. I called my doula to make sure I wasn't crazy and then I called Kristian to let him know. He was considerably calmer than I was. I was already beginning to feel a little spacey and frazzled.
Some women immediately experience strong contractions when their water breaks, but I felt nothing. I called my midwife, Anjli, agreed to meet her at the hospital to get checked and make sure everything was okay, and finished up one last thing at work before I headed over to the hospital. It was incredibly difficult to concentrate on that last document, the world felt like it was spinning faster than it should be. I waddled into the hospital with a towel slung between my legs (I was completely unprepared for my water breaking at work). I was too happy and excited to care that I must have looked like a total idiot. I walked up to the nurse's station and explained my condition and that I was meeting my midwife. Not realizing they were going to try to make me check in, I was confused when they asked me if I was having a water birth. It took me a second to realize they were asking so they could get the tub set up. I emphatically explained that I was not staying since I was not feeling any contractions yet, which led to a slight argument with the head nurse and signing a waiver so I could leave. My midwife checked me out, said everything looked fine, that I was having contractions even though I couldn't feel any pain yet, and then sent me home.
As I drove home to wait for my body to go into active labor, I looked at the beautiful blue sky and couldn't help but feel like it was a perfect October day. The weather was absolutely beautiful. Knowing I would need strength later, I stopped and grabbed some food on the way home. My mom and her then-fiance (now husband) Ray came over to help me around the house and wait with me, and Kristian came home from work soon after. I was already well into "laborland" by this point. Everything felt surreal and I had a hard time concentrating on much of anything. I think it took me an hour to pack our hospital bag and it really didn't have that much in it. My mind was already turning inward to prepare for the marathon my body was about to endure. I was excited, nervous, and happy. My little girl would be here soon!
After we packed our bags, Kristian and I laid down for a nap. I didn't sleep because I was too excited, but it was good to rest for awhile. Around 7:00 pm or so I had a strong contraction and I happily told Kristian. It was enough that I knew it was a contraction, but it mostly just felt like a strong cramp at that point. My Mom and Ray had gone to get us dinner from Cracker Barrell, so we went downstairs to eat when they got home. I stood up from the table and had another strong contraction around 8:00 or so as I tried to walk up the stairs into the living room. This time it was intense and my body temperature shot up; I was hot, and sweating and I needed Kristian to fan me with a paper fan while I waited for the contraction to subside. I remember hanging on to the railing by the kitchen stairs, breathing through it and a little surprised at the intensity.
The details after that get a little blurry. I stood in my living room while Mom, Ray, and Kristian watched me and talked to me as the contractions started getting closer together. I used a variety of pain coping methods, including blowing horse lips, hip circles, swaying, breathing, etc. I leaned against the wall during one contraction, swaying, picturing my body opening, and with Kristian by my side the whole time. I made a few trips up and down our stairs. At some point the contractions started coming right after another and were so intense that I started moaning and slapping my legs to keep a rhythm, repeating "open" over and over in my mind. I just went with the flow of my body, and let it take over. I never felt afraid. I was only barely aware of the other people around me, I just did what felt natural to me, which included standing and moving around.
At some point Kristian, my Mom and Ray started to look concerned and suggested we head for the hospital. I remember feeling unsure, like surely it had to be harder than that before it would be time to leave, and last longer, it had only been a couple of hours. Not that it wasn't intense, because I was definitely working hard to get through each contraction, I just felt like I was coping well, and I knew I wanted to labor at home as long as possible. The spacing of the contractions is what convinced me to go, though; they were practically right on top of each other and very strong.
We headed for the car. I remember Ray tried to guide me with his hand and I shook him off, I didn't want any men to touch me except my husband. It wasn't anything against him personally, I was just following my body's natural instincts. I climbed into the back seat and immediately regretted it. People had told me I would want to lay down on the drive to the hospital but laying down was the last thing I wanted to do, right next to being seated. I wanted to stand. But Kristian was already pulling out of the garage so I stayed where I was. On the drive down to the hospital (which was about an hour from our house but I think we got there in under 45 minutes) I moaned and beat on the windows with my fist. I remember feeling glad there was no traffic as I watched the highway and street lights slide past the window.
In the midst of the car ride I was also in the middle of a flurry of phone calls trying to organize a doula being with me because my doula, Renee, had an emergency and the back-up doula was with a client. In the end I got to keep Renee but it was crazy trying to handle that while I was in the middle of having extremely intense contractions.
When we got to the hospital I forgot that they close the front entrance after 9:00 pm until I was already out of the car and at the door. At this point I could barely walk, but the thought of getting back in the car sounded so awful I started to try to walk around the corner of the building toward the ER entrance. I didn't get very far because I could barely move and had to stop every foot or so to manage another contraction. Eventually we convinced a nurse or someone to let me in a side door.
We headed up to the 7th floor. I distinctly remember being pissed off that the nurses were making me fill out paperwork and show my photo ID while I was clearly having extremely strong contractions, moaning and slapping my legs to get through them. I waddled to my room once they finally admitted me (where was the scene where you're whisked off in a wheelchair like in the movies??) and stood by the bed. I vaguely remember my father-in-law bringing my mother-in-law into the room (she had gotten a flight back that day because I wanted her there for the birth) and my instincts again told me the only male I wanted near me was my husband, but I waited for him to leave and didn't say anything. The nurses strapped the strip monitor around my belly and I wanted to murder them for the next half hour or so. I was beating on my legs so hard it made the monitor jump and they couldn't get a clear reading; my midwife had to hold the monitor on my belly to satisfy the nurses and by that point I had already told one of them that I hated them. They finally removed that torture device and Anjli ordered the nurses to fill the birthing tub.
I asked myself if I wanted any pain meds just to test myself, and my answer to myself was "Nah, I got this." Even as strong and as close together as the contractions were, I knew I could do it. I wasn't afraid, I was just trusting my body to do what it was supposed to do. It was a roller coaster ride and I wasn't getting off until it was over.
I told my midwife I felt like I had to push, and she told me to go with it, so I did. I pushed and my knees buckled and I sank to the floor. She stripped my pants off me and I got on the bed after that and labored on all fours. It's amazing how much you have no sense of modesty when you're in labor, it just doesn't matter anymore. Anjli had me lay down on my side for a cervical exam to see how far dilated I was. Laying down was the worst, my contractions were almost unbearable in that position. It was the only time I remember feeling like the pain wasn't manageable but fortunately I wasn't in that position for long. I had been told that cervical exams were painful, but because my contractions were so intense I welcomed the different sensation; it almost felt good just because it was a different feeling. Anjli checked me and told me I was 8 to 9 centimeters. I couldn't believe I had already gone through transition, which is said to be the hardest part, and I shouted "Hell Yeah!!!" when she told me. (thinking back, I shouldn't have been surprised since I was already pushing, but I've never been known to be logical anyway)
Soon after, the tub was ready and I climbed into that glorious warm water. I didn't bother to change, I just left my t-shirt and bra on. They turned off most of the lights in the room so it was nice and dark. I couldn't believe how much better the water felt; the weightlessness took the pressure off of the edema in my feet, ankles and legs, and my contractions finally spaced out enough that I got a break between each one. I kept my eyes closed most of the time, I was completely focused inward on what was happening with my body, and I hung on to Kristian's hand and Renee's hand for dear life. Anjli rubbed my back through the contractions, just a light touch but it made it so much easier for some reason. I knew the moms were off to one side. I felt safe and I continued to let my body take over.
At one point I opened my eyes to see the beautiful moon shining through my window and I knew it was a moment I wanted to remember. I got such a long break between a couple of contractions I almost fell asleep on the side of the birthing pool. Pushing was a lot of work. It didn't hurt as much as the other kind of contractions, but it was still really intense. It's really more like an involuntary convulsion, a lot like pooping, honestly. Kristian and Renee kept encouraging me through the contractions, telling me that I was strong and that I could do it, which helped me a lot. At some point Renee suggested I internalize more of my moaning and let the contraction build more before pushing, and that seemed to help me make more progress.
I had no sense of time throughout my labor once I got to the hospital, and I only had a vague sense of what time it was before we left. I didn't want to know how long it was taking because I didn't want my brain playing mind games with me if it was taking a long time. It didn't matter to me if my labor took 8 hours or 30, I just wanted my body to do what it was supposed to do, and I was trusting that it would take exactly as long as it was supposed to.
That being said, I did get really exhausted at one point. I started whimpering after each push because I was so tired. Anjli told me to reach down and I could feel Anne's head in the birth canal. As my fingers touched her squishy little head and I realized how close she was, a renewed sense of energy washed through me. She was so close!! So I pushed some more, and kept touching her head to see if she was making any progress. I started getting tired again and was somewhat dismayed that she didn't seem to be moving any, and I asked Anjli why she hadn't crowned yet. She and Renee suggested I switch positions. I went from being on my knees to squatting, but I had a hard time holding myself in that position, so then I leaned against one edge of the tub while Kristian held me under my arms and Renee and I held opposite ends of a twisted sheet. Whenever I had a contraction I would pull on the sheet, and she would hang on to the other end, and I used the leverage to help me bear down.
I don't know how many pushes it took while holding on to the sheet, but I don't think it was many before Anne started to crown. Anjli told Kristian to look and he exclaimed "Holy crap, there really is a person in there!" I laughed. The moms started cheering with each push, really encouraging me to push hard. I started to get excited. Finally they told me "one more!!" and I pushed harder than I ever had before. My low moaning ripped out of my mouth in a scream as I felt like my bottom was being torn in half, and I knew what they meant by the phrase "ring of fire." It was literally the most intense pain I have ever felt in my life, but it was over almost as quickly as it began. I still had my eyes closed so I didn't see Anne appear in the world but I felt every single inch of her body slide out of mine. The swiftness of her exit after I had been pushing for so long was a shock, but then I was holding her in my arms and looking down at this wet gooey creature with brown hair. I had a moment of panic and asked Anjli to make her cry so I could be sure she was breathing, so she rubbed Anne's back and I heard my daughter's voice for the first time.
I was too exhausted to cry but I was definitely in awe of this tiny creature in my arms. The vernix wasn't as gross as I thought it would be, and I was surprised to see that the umbilical cord was blue. My Mom cut the cord when we were ready and Anjli took Anne from me and handed her to Kristian so I could get out of the tub because I was starting to get cold. I stood up, shivering, and realized it was all over. I had done it! No epidural, no other kinds of pain meds, no interventions. Everything had gone beautifully. I told everyone in the room "I'm a BADASS!!" and climbed out of the tub to laughter.
(Kristian holds Anne for the first time)
They wrapped me in a warm sheet and helped me to the bed where Anjli helped me deliver the placenta (uncomfortable but not really a big deal after birthing a baby) while the nurses did all the initial tests on Anne. They were out of Ibuprofen and one of the nurses handed me some pills. I asked what they were before I took them from her and she told me percocet; I angrily told her no because I needed to breastfeed and asked Kristian for some Aleve we had brought with us instead. I delivered a baby without pain medication, I certainly didn't need percocet afterward! Anjli brought me a sack lunch and I ate the best tasting turkey sandwich I've ever had in my life (only because I was so hungry).
They handed my daughter to me and I immediately put Anne to my breast. She latched on like a champ. Kristian stood by the bed and I was in complete awe of this little girl that we created. For a few moments we were the only three people in the world.
Anne was born at 2:34 am on Saturday, October 16, 2010, after being in active labor for approximately 7 1/2 hours, approximately 3 hours of which was pushing. She weighed 7 lbs 11.5 oz and was 20" long, with blue eyes and light brown/auburn hair.
None of the things we had packed for labor ever made it out of the bag; the lights, the music, my swimsuit top, none of it. The only thing in the room that was planned was the vase of dozen red roses my Mom had bought us. Kristian hooked up our Christmas lights afterward and it gave a nice serene glow to the room, along with the Atlanta skyline shining through our window. Kristian's parents stayed long enough to hold Anne before they headed home, and my Mom and Ray came back the next day. We spent the night in the delivery room and moved to postpartum the next morning.
And tomorrow, October 16, 2011, she will be 1 year old and my sweet baby girl will no longer be a baby, but a toddler. It went by too fast, but I have many more moments to look forward to.
