Crossing Bridges

I was asked to share my story about how I'm the poster child for changing my ideas about child rearing once my daughter was born.  Before Anne arrived I only knew traditional ideas about how to do things and I had some serious misconceptions about things I really knew nothing about.  Here are at least some of the things that changed, sometimes in the spur of the moment, and my thoughts on each topic.

* Water Birth.  I knew from the beginning that I wanted to experience natural, unmedicated childbirth.  The thought started with the idea that if my mom and my mother-in-law could do it, then so could I.  It evolved into doing more research about the effects of inducement and epidural drugs on my own body and my baby, and that research solidified my resolve.  Water birth was introduced as an option for pain management in our childbirth classes with Labor of Love Doula and Childbirth Services and through my midwives at Intown Midwifery.  Never having really been a water person, I kept it on the table as an option, at least for labor, but I honestly didn't see myself delivering in the water.  I'm just not a bath person and I don't particularly enjoy swimming.  Kristian was weirded out about the idea all the way until delivery, I think.  But once we got to the hospital, I knew the second my midwife asked if I wanted to get in the tub that the answer was yes.  Once I got in that glorious warm water, there was no getting out, especially since I was already pushing.  The water helped immensely, if nothing else the weightlessness was amazing, and given the option, I will never birth a child again any other way.

* Touching Baby's Head in the Birth Canal.  I heard about doing this in our childbirth classes but the thought kindof grossed me out.  I honestly didn't think I'd want to do this.  Until I'd been pushing for an hour or two and started getting frustrated that Anne hadn't crowned yet.  That was when my midwife told me "she's coming, she's in the birth canal already, you can reach down and feel her."  I knew that I wanted that proof that she really was close, and when I felt her squishy little head at my fingertips it gave me renewed energy to keep going.  It was amazing, knowing she was *right. there.* and would be in my arms relatively soon. 

* Vernix / Bathing Baby Immediately.  I always thought I would want the nurses to bathe Anne before they handed her over to me to hold and breastfeed for the first time.  In video, vernix looks pretty goopy and disgusting, and I didn't relish the thought of holding my daughter with goop and blood all over her.  We were encouraged to hold off on bathing our babies in my childbirth class because the vernix (the white stuff) is really good for their skin, it's like natural lotion.  It probably helped that Anne slipped into this world into water to begin with, but the vernix wasn't gross at all.  It's more like paste than goop.  Anne had her first bath a week after we got home from the hospital.

* Stop Breastfeeding When Baby Gets Teeth.  I distinctly remember telling Teresa Howard, the teacher for our breastfeeding class, that I was stopping breastfeeding when that baby got teeth because she could eat real food then.  Wow, how ignorant I was!!  She quickly informed me that some babies get teeth as early as 3 months and they are nowhere near ready to wean at that age.  She also told me that you have to feed either breastmilk or formula until the baby is a year old.  Since I knew I didn't want to feed Anne formula, that put my goal for breastfeeding at 1 year.  At this point I was still pretty adamant about weaning her at 1 year though.

* Stopping Breastfeeding at One Year.  Again, I couldn't imagine myself breastfeeding a baby over a year old.  Until more instruction and research informed me that weaning a baby cold turkey is not the best idea in the world, it should be a gradual, at least mostly baby-led, process.   Then I went to see our pediatrician, who is very supportive of breastfeeding, and she recommends that we breastfeed Anne until she's at least 2 years old.  My goal shifted again.  I still don't see myself breastfeeding her past 2, but if there's one thing I've learned it's that this parenting gig is a day-to-day thing, and making too many decisions before we cross those bridges is pointless.

* Extended Breastfeeding (2 years and beyond).  I've had a hard time getting my head wrapped around the idea of breastfeeding a toddler, but my views on this have changed as well.  I used to be pretty adamantly against it, but the more moms I meet that are nursing their toddlers in the last stages of weaning, the more I realize it's just a natural process and no two children are the same.  Some kids may wean at 14 months, others at 30 or beyond. 

* Breastfeeding : The Bond.  Before I breastfed my own daughter, I thought the bond people talk about was a load of crap or for hippies.  Breastfeeding was just for that, feeding, right?  I couldn't have been more wrong.  I cannot even begin to explain the deep connection I feel to my daughter that has come about through that process.  It's amazing.

* Co-Sleeping / Bedsharing.  I actually found a journal entry from when I was pregnant where I adamantly said I would never bedshare with Anne because I thought it was dangerous.  A few things changed my mind on this.  For starters, Teresa mentioned in our breastfeeding class that night nursing is a million times easier, and provides much more sleep for the mom, if you co-sleep or bedshare because you just latch the baby on and go back to sleep (side-laying nursing).  Surprisingly, Kristian supported this idea, so my thoughts on bedsharing started to turn around, but we were still pretty adamant about Anne having her own bedspace; we had an in-bed co-sleeping snuggler that had sides to supposedly protect the baby from being rolled onto.  Anne slept in it at the hospital in my bed, and then one night at home.  Then she had to wear a bilirubin blanket to treat her jaundice, and the giant cord attached to it wouldn't allow us to put her in the snuggler, so she slept right next to me.  After a week of sleeping contentedly next to her mommy, Anne started crying the second we tried to put her back in the snuggler, so that was the end of that.  I've also read articles on safe bedsharing and the rules concerning it, and I don't feel like it's dangerous at all, at least not for us (if you can't make the space safe, then you shouldn't bedshare).  She's over 7 months old and still sleeps right next to me every night.  She nurses at least twice in the mornings before I get up for work, so I get more sleep this way and it helps keep my milk supply up.  Plus I'm not waking up all night to go check on her because she's right there. 

* Crying It Out.  While I never had any really hard and fast ideas about this concept, I did have friends that encouraged me to do this so I never really thought it was a "bad idea."  Until my daughter cried, and I knew I could never just leave her to cry herself to sleep, it made my heart hurt too much.  Kristian also can't bear to hear her cry.  The one time I did let her cry it out, while out walking with her in a stroller, I fortunately had friends and educators encourage me not to do this, and reassure me that tending to my daughter's emotional needs was not a bad thing.  Hearing about and reading about medical studies showing that uncomforted crying causes some brain damage from the heightened levels of cortisol (no, all crying is not the same...the brain reacts differently to crying while being held v. being ignored), helped solidify my choice to refuse to let Anne cry it out.   I could write a book on my opinions regarding this topic, but just suffice it to say that even if there weren't people telling me it was a bad idea, my maternal instincts and heart would never let my daughter be miserable and go uncomforted like that. 

* Baby Sleep While I Did Housework.  HAHAHAHAHA Yeah right.  I had this preconception of nursing Anne, putting her down for a nap in a crib for a few hours, and getting housework done while she was asleep.  Imagine my frustration when my very senstive daughter would wake up almost immediately every time I tried to lay her down, so that the only way she slept for any decent amount of time was in my arms while I held her.  See my stance above regarding crying it out, and you can see why I felt trapped to my couch for the first 2 months of Anne's life.  Then enter the Moby sling, my lifesaver, that gave me my life back.  I could nurse Anne in it and walk around at the same time, and she would happily fall asleep in it snuggled up on my chest.  But this was just another preconception I had that got blown out of the water by reality.

* Crying When Baby Gets Vaccinated.  Before Anne was born, I thought it was silly when moms cried when their babies got vaccinated.  Then we had to take Anne to get her blood drawn for bilirubin tests while we were monitoring her jaundice.  Drawing blood from a newborn involves sticking their heel, and then squeezing their foot over and over again until they get enough drops of blood to fill a small vial.  It takes forever, and with each squeeze my 2 day old daughter cried harder.  I burst into tears and had to go into the hallway while I cried and laughed at myself.  You cannot comprehend the anguish you feel at hearing your own child in pain until you experience it.

* Circumcision.   When I was still pregnant, I remember a friend of mine who was also pregnant calling me and asking me if we had a boy whether or not we would circumcise.  At the time I just sortof shrugged and said, Yes, I guess so, since it seemed like the normal thing to do.  While I realize we don't have a boy, I have a friend who does and who is very adamantly opposed to circumcision, so she posts articles about it frequently.  After reading a few of them, I have since changed my mind and no longer support it either. I wouldn't strap a 15 year old (or 25 year old for that matter) son of mine to a table and cut off part of his penis without his consent, so why would I do that to my infant son?  No thanks.  I'm so grateful that my friend opened my eyes because if we had a boy, and I had him circumcised before knowing what I know now, I would feel terrible about it.

* Cloth Diapering.  I had a discussion about this with my good friend, Brian, who had cloth diapered with one of his kids (at least...maybe more).  He told me horror stories about rinsing nasty diapers in the toilet and leaving them in a bucket until laundry time, so I threw that idea out the window.  Then I had some friends show me the awesomeness that is cloth diapering now that they make cloth diapers with inserts and snaps, and expanding elastic, and I can honestly say that I feel good about not filling landfills with disposable diapers and the money I save every month.  They're expensive to start with, but they pay for themselves in about 4 to 5 months, and the kind I have will last until Anne potty trains.  They're a lot of work, but I think they're worth it. (and no, the poo does NOT stick to my washing machine, why do people think that?! lol)

* Solid Foods.  I always assumed we'd do the traditional purees at 4 months.  Then when Anne was about 3.5 months old, I came across something called Baby Led Weaning.  You keep them only on breastmilk (or formula, though the concept seems to work better with breastfed babies) until they're 6 months old and then you just start giving them tablefood.  We love it because Anne loves it; she really seems to enjoy eating with us and exploring the food and she gets more adept at chewing, swallowing, and picking up food every day.  She also eats things like green vegetables that most kids don't like. 

Sometimes, ignorance really isn't bliss and education is everything.   I am so grateful for the classes I took with Labor of Love, Pam Roe, and Teresa Howard, and for the support I've gotten from the friends I've met through the doula community (Renee and Lindsay for starters).   I wouldn't be the Mom I am today if it weren't for them, and I rather like the Mom I've become.  :-)

My Inner Cowgirl

You know how some people like to claim they have an "inner goth kid", i.e. there's a part of them that loves the goth style but they don't live it on a daily basis? I understand it; it's an attraction to the dark and mysterious.

Well, I have one of those too, but I think my inner cowgirl could lasso my goth girl's butt to the ground.  Yep, I'm admitting it.  There's just a bit of a country girl in my heart. 

There's nothing that can get my blood racing faster than a man in a Stetson and a nice pair of boots (except my husband...now if I could just convince him to WEAR the Stetson and the boots...), and there's nothing that makes me tap my foot and sing at the top of my lungs like a good country beat (nestled nicely in a rock song, preferably).   I like good barbecue and I could spend hours listening to someone play acoustic guitar.  I haven't ridden a horse since I was a kid, but I think it's something I could definitely enjoy if I had the opportunity. 

This revelation brought to you by listening to Country Song by Seether this morning on the radio and realizing the music behind the lyrics was pulling at my soul. 

National Day of Prayer

Today is the National Day of Prayer for 2011.  So, I give you prayer, Nicole-style.  This might get kindof personal.  If you're named, feel happy I pray for you, probably often.  If you're not named it doesn't mean I haven't ever or that I won't ever, but for the sake of this particular prayer I can't name every single one of my friends. 

Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be your name,
Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done,
On Earth as it is in Heaven. 
Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
Lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil,
For thine is the Kingdom, the Glory, and the Power,
For ever and ever.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

God, thank you for this beautiful life you have given me, for my healthy body, for my wonderful husband, for Anne, for great parents, for my sisters, for friends, and for good employers. 

Please watch over my Mom and Ray in their new marriage, please help Kristian's parents' hearts continue to heal after the loss of Andrew, please help my sister Kayla to make good decisions, please keep Kat safe from her seizures and help her relationship with Brian to grow, please watch over Andrea and Darren and their family, please watch over Steve and Emily and their family as they begin their marriage in a couple of months, please bless Vern and Amanda, please bless Brian and Jen, please keep Lucy safe, please help my friends who are pregnant to have good, safe births, please bless Dan and Whitney, please watch over Caitlin and keep her safe,

Please help me to be the best wife and mother I can be, please grant me peace with the lost relationships I still struggle with, please help me to not feel so overwhelmed with this new mom thing, please help me to be a better sister and friend,

Please watch over those who are struggling with cancer or other illnesses, please help the families who have been struck by natural disasters to rebuild,

Please guide me in the way that you want me to live my life, and help me to open others' hearts to you, Lord.

I love you. 

Amen.

Long Road Ahead

I got out of the shower last night to hear a bunch of screaming and wailing across the street at our neighbor's house, in our usually very quiet neighborhood.  Concerned for anyone's safety, Kristian and I went downstairs and looked out the front window just to make sure no one was getting beaten.  What we saw was a bunch of teenage angst as the high school girl across the street was screaming and crying at the top of her lungs, complete with throwing herself down on the driveway and moving to sit in the middle of the street at one point.  This went on for close to 20 to 30 minutes before her mother (I'm assuming) finally got her to go back inside their house. 

Now, I remember being that age.  I remember how it felt if you got broken up with or found out your boyfriend was cheating on you or any of the other number of things that girl could have possibly been upset about.  So I get the emotion involved and the need to vent it out...what I don't get is her parents' letting her disturb the entire neighborhood while she did it. 

Which leads me to the comment I made to Kristian... "I'm not cool with spanking Anne, but I swear if our daughter ever does that and refuses to come inside, I will slap the s$%^ out of her....that's just inconsiderate to everyone else in the neighborhood."

Wait, what?  Did I just say that? Latent violent tendencies much?  I don't want to spank her as a toddler, but I'm willing to slap her as a teenager?  Sigh.  I have a long road ahead of me to rework what I think is acceptable discipline.  That was my knee-jerk reaction to the situation.  But after thinking about it awhile, I don't ever want to slap Anne.  Again with the hitting someone is not a way to solve problems.  I don't think I'd be above bodily dragging her back inside though and telling her to go scream it out in her bedroom.  And possibly making her drop off notes to the neighbors apologizing for her public outburst.  But this just made me realize it may take some serious effort to maintain the kind of parenting I want to do, because it's not just a matter of putting principles into practice...it's going to be a matter of overcoming my own impulses.  Guess I still have some growing up to do of my own.