I am terrified of getting lung cancer some day. I grew up with parents who smoked, in the car with the windows up and in our house. This was unfortunately before the huge push about how second-hand smoke is just as damaging as first-hand smoke. We lived with my husband's brother when he was diagnosed with lung cancer (not related to smoking) and I've seen first hand what it's like to live with this disease, go through chemo, and ultimately pass away in a few short months. It's horrible. Really horrible.
Finding a lump in my breast two nights ago while I was in the shower sent a cold wave of fear over me. Lung cancer I half expect some day, but breast cancer isn't really at the forethought of things I worry about. I'm really not even good at keeping up with breast exams, although I should (and will in the future) since my great-grandmother and an aunt have died of it. I've had lumps that were clogged ducts recently, but those are excruciatingly painful. This lump didn't hurt at all. I called out to Kristian and I know he could hear the fear in my voice when he came to see what was wrong. All I could think was "Please God, please...I have a four month old daughter...Kristian just lost his brother less than 2 years ago...his mom just lost her son...my family..."; a list of people this would affect. I looked in his eyes and told him I was really scared. He said he was too.
I got out of the shower and sat on the bed next to him as he held Anne. I wanted to take her from him but I felt like he was holding her half out of comfort. He's really good at crying "backward," but the red circles around his eyes and the sniffing gave him away. He looked at me and said "You can't leave me. I need you." Fighting back tears and waves of fear, I tried to reassure him that it would be okay, maybe it was just a clogged duct that doesn't hurt, or maybe it's benign like the lump they removed from my mom's breast a few years ago. I wasn't going anywhere. Then he handed me Anne and went to blow his nose, and as I held my beautiful tiny daughter in my arms the fear overwhelmed me and I broke down sobbing. I have so much to live for...the thought of having breast cancer, or any kind of cancer, right now was just too much.
I finally got ahold of myself and we went to bed, but I don't think either of us slept well. I didn't want to let Anne go when I dropped her off at daycare. I broke down sobbing in my car on the way to work, and again when I explained to my boss why I all of a sudden had a doctor's appointment that afternoon. He was very understanding, said he'd pray for me, and even gave me a hug when I left. I was torn between needing to talk to a friend or my mom about it, and not wanting to scare or worry them if it was nothing. I chose not to tell anyone.
At the appointment, my midwife reassured me that some clogged milk ducts don't hurt, so that was a possibility, and that the kind of breast cancer that moves swiftly and is deadly has more visible signs besides just a lump. She told me to give it a week or two, or even a month, to see if it went away, and gave me the number for a diagnostics lab that could do an ultrasound. I knew I would go crazy worrying for a whole month, so I decided to try to make an appointment a little over a week away just to ease my mind, but the lab was closed when I called on my way home.
Since I had to leave work early to go to the appointment, I missed a pump session and needed to pump one more time when I got home. When I was done, I checked for the lump again. It was gone!! It was a clogged duct after all. I started crying again and just kept thanking God over and over that it turned out to be nothing. I must have felt for it for 10 minutes before I could believe it, though. And I kept checking throughout the night just to make sure I wasn't imagining things.
I'm extremely relieved, thankful for those who prayed for me yesterday, and still a little shaken up today. I've never been that scared before in my life. A few things I learned: for one, clogged ducts don't always hurt. Good to know. For two, I don't know anything about breast cancer past "if you have a lump, tell your doctor", that treatment includes everything from simply removing the lump to chemo to a full mastectomy, and that it can kill you. I'll be doing some research today/in the near future so I'm more educated on the subject.
I also want to encourage every woman I know to do breast exams as often as possible; getting a lump and then realizing you have no idea how long it might have been there is terrifying. I would like to think I would have noticed it, but I couldn't be sure, and it's important to know how long it's been there.
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